Freshman Year

When I walked out of Logan Airport at one o'clock in the morning, I felt a little uneasy. Would Boston live up to the expectations? The cab ride to International Village was expensive and the room that I eventually walked into a little less cozy than I anticipated. Curled up with a hoodie and an empty stomach, I survived the night on the bare mattress. Three out of ten, would not recommend.

I could talk about how great it was to meet so many people in the week that followed, but to be honest I felt lonely. Going on walks with the floormates was an awkward jumble of people trying to cut each other off. Getting a comforter a few days in, now that was nice. Feeling like I had something to look forward to with upcoming classes helped too.

As it often is with these things, I think the biggest motivator, and what makes us ultimately see our current position as being somehow better than it really is, is the idea that we are working toward something. Going on the clusterfuck of a walk as a means to making friends, going to classes as a means of getting a good co-op, to getting the top grades that might somehow validate your intelligence. The experience never quite catches up the the end that it was intended to achieve. 99 and ¾ percent guaranteed.

To be fair, freshman year was not bad. I met some great people. Really. I genuinely admire so many of you for how caring and conscientious and all around wonderful you are. Surprisingly, people who were not as nice also got accepted by the herd. But people aren’t dumb. They take notice. I suspect that time will not treat them as nicely. That is one thing I learned - even if the effects of the converse are not immediate, there are so many ways to be nice that it is never okay to be anything but.

Freshman year was even quite wonderful at times. There were more than a few moments when I sat back and felt perfectly happy with the way things were. Those times when imagination could not concoct an experience as full as the one I was in. A few times this was while working, but mostly while being around friends. Especially while being around friends. Even when not perfectly content, I can recognize how lucky and privileged I have been. Hell, relistically speaking there is nothing I could complain about.

Though, sometimes I wonder how often the description made the experience. Is college great because it’s “college”? Is this what I really consider great? And what about “partying” or “going to Canada” - they both sound like a lot of fun, but whether or not they really were can be contested. At the very least, both were nice lapses from the ordinary. But does it make sense to escape, only to be back to square one when you wake up?

While I have more than a few questions, I certainly learned a bit about myself. I learned that I am a lot more persistent when it comes to tackling challenging problems than I thought. That if not forced to a sleep schedule, I would naturally drift toward sleeping later and later and later. That vegetables really are better and tastier to me than meat and carbs.

Perhaps most importantly, I learned what I value in people. That they are kind and open and determined. I got a glimpse of what I want from my relationships, too, only to find that I was closer to where I want to be before coming to college. Belonging is important to me. I want a circle. I am not interested in micromanaging a hundred consistent friendships.

• the whole “self-discovery” theme here makes me wonder whether I really have wisened or if I am now just more full of shit than before. Senior year me would gag at the mention of self-discovery.

Nonetheless, it is with a heavy heart that I will leave my dorm and International Village. But closing the book on any chapter is hard. Freshman year brought a bit of everything. Disappointment and joy, friendship and loneliness, interest and enjoyment, love and disdain. Never has it been more true that things are wonderful because they are ephemeral. A break is called for and I am lucky to be at a point in my life when I can unplug from what is “my life.” Disconnect. Start the next chapter.

So thank you everyone who was a part of my year. See you on the other side.